whopopo! (pronounced “woah-poh-poh”)-meaning “on no..” in Seol..in case you were wondering..

Ever have those days that you just don’t like anything for no good reason?

I do.

Today in fact.

This weekend has been eh..and eh..turned into…”WHY ME” Today.
There has to be an off switch for my pity parties..

Ok, so not all is bad. Today, I was angry. Just flat out, mad and I literally laid my head on my computer and prayed and cried some. My Student teaching has been beyond frustrating for reasons outside my control, my food allergies worsening, surprising news, a funeral,midterms,Internship,and tons of schoolwork.

I am overwhelmed. In over my head. Today nearly killed me. (In my mind). I just didn’t know what to do with myself, other than pray. I did it again after my meeting with Pui Tak. cried, and prayed some. I feel like I am learning about all kinds of suffering. My emotions have been going crazy on me, especially since the funeral last week. It was not for anyone I knew personally, but it was a three year old girl. A girl in gospel choir’s sister died last week from a terminal illness. That hits home for anyone. It was heavy. My school load didn’t help. I feel emotionally unstable. Life is coming at me fast. My internship is stressing me out, and missions conference is going to be super busy. I found out today we’re hosting a missionary. Thanks for the notice Moody. Don’t get me wrong, I am so excited, and I guess this is teaching me flexibility and hospitality.

I took two midterms today, and it literally mushed my brain.

Its been almost two years since Papa left us to be with the Lord. I wrote my grandma a letter today. This hurts.

This post is super negative, and I apologize. My ramblings on here recently have been so sporadic and nonsensical.

Good news: I am blessed with amazing support and friends here. Also, I have some exciting news, but I am keeping it a secret until its the right time? haha that sounds weird, and I know what your thinking: No, its not a boy. moving on…

This process of sanctification is rough, trying, painful and humbling. Is this what it takes for me to be in prayer? I ‘ve been reading my book on suffering, and its been helpful. Sometimes I wish I were just “normal.” I could eat normal things, and not get sick. I wish I wasn’t so tired all the time and wouldn’t stutter when my sugar drops. I wish I could understand words and not see letters backwards. I wish I didn’t have “vision aid”. I wish the chemicals in my body were balanced. I can’t change these things. Accept it. It is ok to feel emotions about these things though. David had many emotions when he “cried out to God”. I am glad emotions are biblical and we don’t have to be robots.

Also, can I just give a shoutout to my professors? I love them. seriously. I have never really cared to get to know my professors at all until this semester. I am blessed to be at a school where the professors invite you into their homes. How cool is that? Tomorrow I am having lunch with one. Another I got to come speak on the floor. Another one helped me with my philosophy epic fail..but did more than that, he actually wanted to get to me as a person. These professors really love their jobs, and us. and yes, I am friends with some of them on facebook. I am so blessed. I know this had nothing to do with the rest of my post, but I thought I’d end on a cheery note. So my advice? Get to know your teachers. They really do care.

Congratulations Philosophy, you win. But I will make a comeback next time..

I failed my first college exam ever. Oh, the pain of defeat. I haven’t seen the test yet, so I am not sure what I missed, but I remember receiving the test, and tears welling up. It was like a foreign language. I do not want to make up excuses for myself, such as “I am just not a logical thinker” or “If my professor had been administering the test, I could have asked questions”. Both of these statements are true, but that should not stop me. I also play the “what-if” game, “What if I hadn’t gone to my other review session and studies right before this test?” All I know is, I studied for about 3-4 hours for test, I tried my best, maybe I could have done something different, but what is done, is done. I have an awesome professor for this class, Dr. Bryan O’Neill, and he seems approachable, so I will visiting his office next week.

Work was exhausting yesterday. Ok, I really don’t mean to complain or express my self-pity on here. To be raw, I have been discouraged the past two days. Yesterday when I spent time in prayer, it felt so forced. I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to get on my knees and pray. It makes no sense in my head. Why shouldn’t I want to pray to the God of the Universe who is in control of my life, the one chooses whether I take my next breath or not? Why would I not want to talk to the one person I know will always listen, right there, on the spot. I don’t have to schedule appointments with Him, well at least on His part. Am I the one who can’t seem to fit Him in? He knows me better than I know myself, and most importantly, He loves me. Oh how I am still trying to grasp that concept. Will I ever understand it? Love. That’s a whole separate post on its own.

I need to be a better listener. A discipline I love, but still find trying.

“He loves me” is one of the songs we are singing in gospel choir, and I love the lyrics. So heartfelt:
He loves me.
even when wall I fall beneath His will.
He loves me.
He loves me when my broken heart just won’t keep still.
He loves me.
Even though He knew sometimes I’d fall.
Yet and still my name He called.
He loves me.
Even though I was born in sin.
He loves me.
He loves me.
Took me like I was and now I’m free again.
He loves me.
Jesus I’m so grateful for Your love.
When nothing else could help, love lifted me.

Monday Monday Monday mmmm..Monday

I have been dying to blog lately. Unfortanantly, my schedule says no. But rather than starting a project due on Wednesday (Ha) I am going to write..

Today was so long. I have been studying all weekend for two of the hardest test, on which I felt like neither went well. I also had my first class student teaching today. I really enjoyed it. It felt weird being the teacher though. really weird teaching adults. It wasn’t quite what I expected, but I’ll work out the details.

Recently, there has been much talk about personalities. I had to take the Myers briggs again for Min. team, and in my Intro. to ministry class (yes, I am pretty much the only junior in that class). we had to read about personalities. The other day someone pointed out how I seem to be the perfect match for myself. (does that sentence even make sense?) I love personalities

I love how we are all different.

Most people have pretty diverese personalities. Not I. I am straight up introvert, type A, meloncholy. sometimes I wish I wasn’t any of those things. Sometimes I find myself thinuiking” Man I wish I wasn’t so quiet” or “why do I think so deeply?” “Why can’t I be spontaneous!”

I am learning to embrace my temperments. full on. I can change to an extent, but I learning to be glad I am me.

Meloncholies are considered geniuses.

Ha.

My moods are so swingy lately.

Sometimes I find myself thinking so deeply, and other times I just laugh at dumb things. Today was one of those, until I took my Philosophy exam. Then I was just depressed.

However, CWC made up for that. I love the people I sit next to, they make me laugh.

Anywho, do you ever have thoughts that you just really want to write down, and your in a place where you can’t? Oh boy has that been happening lately. Thoughts will pop into my head and I think ” I want to blog or journal about this!” and I have no pen, paper or computer.

This is a mumbo jumbo post.

My brain is fried. I am about to enjoy half price drinks and live music at our schools coffee shop with friends. I am grateful for these people who help me unwind and keep me in line. God has been dealing with and my self-sunken self and things are on the upside. Friends are good in helping in this too. my next post will hopefully be more sensible.

Dry.

Dry.

Everything just feels dry, empty and can I say, sometimes, meaningless?

Oh, this just might be one of the most memorable times in my life. I’ve had dry spells before, but this one, this one seems different.

I am honestly struggling, like to the point of becoming overwhelemed. Its rather strange. I haven’t felt this empty in a long time. Some may say its a “depression” well, perhaps it is. I will give my readers some background information: Being competely transparent, I was diagnosed as “clinically depressed” when I was a freshman in High school. It made perfect sense after looking back on my behavior throughout Junior High. However, in the eighth grade I became a Christian, and even though my counslor offered me the aniti-depressents, I turned them down. I had just started this journey as a christian and something promted me not to take the drugs. So, here I am seven years later, never haven taken one. I will admit, sometimes for no appearant reason, I will sink into a mental state of depression. There may be no cause, no real reason, it just happens. Sometimes there is something to set it off, but either way, I struggle, and let the Lord fight the battle for my mind with me. The past few years, things have been improving, and I;m guessing maybe age might play a part in that process. However, this summer took quite a toll on me, and threw me for a loop. It was un-unexpected blow. Very. My heart weighs heavy. I won’t go into details on here about how it feels for me. I hide it well for the most part, but I could always use a friend and a prayer. I’ve spent hours in prayer, solitude and bible study. I am really having to seek Joy from the Lord. Don’t get me wrong, its working, but to get through this stage will take time. My moods change easily which is the worst part. There are a few circumstances that attribute to this currently, but I know utimately, this is God’s way of teaching me reliance on Him. There is no real cause. This is hard, real hard. I feel the temptation to cave, give up but I know I cannot. I am grateful for all that has been given to me from the Lord. School,friends, a part-time job, family, and more. I know this will end soon, and I am willing to fight it out as long as it takes.

On a lighter note: I started nannying again yesterday, and Ian is now three. the magic number in his world. This means he can potty alone, help me make dinner and climb the stairs all by himself. Yesterday, we “mountain climbed” the stairs, had bathtime fun, “cooked” dinner, and had a great reunion overall. My favorite part was his joy in the word “cream cheese”. He would not stop laughing. It was rather ridiculous, but entertaining. Everytime I said “cream cheese” He burst into laughter. I wish life was still that simple. Lesson learned: Find joy in the little things…

Back to school? Let me, Let me answer you by asking you this. yes.

Oh Junk. As I began this post, my crumbly nature valley granola bar decided to flip itself out of the bag and leave crumbs all over my lap , desk chair and floor. Faaantastic.

Anywho, school has begun. This week is somewhat overwhelming. I am so happy to be back here, and I am once again reminded of how blessed I am to be here. This is such a privaledge. I love seeing friends, despite my crazy schedule. Already. I start teaching monday. I am scared out of my mind. I feel so unprepared. I shouldn’t fear though. really. Calm down.

Oh, life is coming so fast. So many things on my mind. I need to spend more time with the Lord, that hasn’t really been happening. I am now 21. I feel old. Like a real adult. My responsibilities are becoming more and greater. I live here, for real, in this really big city. I am becoming an ESL teacher. I have bills to pay and groceries to buy. I have a job. Scary.

I had an awesome 1.5 hour work out. ran two miles, elipticaled it up 3. building it up again. holla.

I am excited about this semester. Lets say, this semester begins with healing. This summer, oh man,I wish I could take back so much. so much. I want to replay certain scenerios in my mind, and do it over again, but I can’t. what’s done is done. I must hold out for what’s next. Heal. Only the Lord can heal and repair the damage. I must say much of it was my own doing. Half the time I had no idea what was happening. I have to trust in the Lord, and be reminded not to lean on my own understanding. I am currently listening to the song “Painting pictures of Egypt” by Sara Groves. It describes my life right now. literally.

I am thankful for my friends and community here. I am blessed.

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I”ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

Another page turning..

I am “home” in Texas. My Student Life career at an end, but I know next summer student teaching is an anticipated experience. Two summers with student life. It went by fast, and as I reflect back on this most recent summer, I see many regrets in myself, many lessons learned, sins revealed and things things to improve on as I examine myself. However, the many frienships were made, many great memories, good laughs and seeing all the things God has done, made it worth it. I just read a post on the Desiring God blog about making Autumn resolutions. Who says they have to be reserved for New Years only? After all, I am about to embark on a new season of my life, and as one page is turned, one more chapter written, another begins.

Where to even start? My emotions are so mixed right now, Saying goodbye to summer friends, seeing family and friends in Texas for this short while and then back “home” to Chicago. I am beyond ready to settle in again and stop living from a suitcase. I have been on the road since the end of May and I enjoyed it, but there is something to be said about “home” and settling in again. As I reflect back on the summer, I can say I have learned things that I only thought I knew. It took me hitting rock bottom to realize these things. For the first time in my life, I learned how to truly love my enemies. I suppose I never really had any true enemies, but this summer even hearing this lesson taught every week, I struggled. Living out Romans 12:1-9 was exceedingly hard. Live peaceablly with all? How does one even go about doing that? How do I handle the consistant rejection given to me by one person? Why am I called to love? Many prayers were offered, and many tears shed on my account. I was also selfish in my actions, when I desired self-pity and bitter anger. I regret not resovling this. I allowed my stubborn pride to take over. It also made me realize my own need for the Lord. Desperate need. Clinging to His love, something else I had never really done before. His love. Having to ask Him to remind me of His love. This was shown through many people this summer. I have to experience His overwhelming grace and love to show it to others. For me, even casually throwing out the words “I love you” to anyone is hard. Learning to love, to feel, was another hard lesson. It was painful, realizing that love is a choice, invloving disicipline, invloving my heart. Learning to love a person, to genuinely love people, wow. It even got me thinking about marriage, its no mystery that I have been pinned as “anti-dating”. I am so focused on being content with my singlness and teaching that to other girls, but I realize that I do desire that companionship, I do desire marraige, and its ok. Another wall I have built up for myself, torn down. Someone even played a sermon on marriage that got me thinking even more. I didn’t want to hear it but hearing the truth on marriage, was good.
Emotionally, I was a wreck this summer. All the years of not being able to feel, cry, and keeping it all inside. I had been praying for that to break all last semester, but I did not think this was how it was to happen. I thank those who willingly put up with me this summer and endured my tears and outburst. I have alot to learn about those emotions still, but I am glad I am in that learning process. I need to keep learning that I should not take everything to heart, and to give others the benefit of the doubt. Mercy is another lesson I am still in the process of. Mercy is not my spritual gift, but I still need to strive to show it. So many lessons..maybe I am being too transparent on here. Well, I am making Autumn resolutions for this fall. I want to keep pursuing the the things being taught to me now, learning to love. This includes my friends,family, my enemies, the lost and the Lord. Pray to learn how to suffer joyfully. To handle emotions. Boldness. More passion for Compassion International. To be genuine. Keep in touch with people. Work hard in all tasks I am handed. Invest in the lives of others who are placed in mine, after all they are there for a reason. Realize that I need the Lord, even to place one foot in front of the other as I get up each morning, especially on those days I don’t want to. Live out scripture.

Starting now.

Its Christmas time Charlie Brown!

Today was pretty much the best day ever. Seriously. It didn’t start off so well, I was pretty sick this morning. No fun. So I prayed, and it was answered. We celebrated christmas, student life style. This year, my team went all out. We made a tree out of leftover flyers, strung toliet paper, popcorn, and a tree skirt. We had a karoke time, christmas dinner, gift exchange, team video and a bonfire to end the night. I haven’t laughed so hard since I can remember. Its so late, and Im not sure why Im awake. I guess its my last night with my team. They have mostly gone to bed,or in the process of packing. I can’t believe how fast this summer has flown by. Ill be home in Texas in a few days, and then stay for two weeks. I have alot to look forward to when I head back, then Chicago. I can’t wait for Chicago, I miss my friends terribly, but I also miss my family and want to cherish that time as well. and These last two and a half days of travel with the team. I have mixed emotions, alot of them. Its a bittersweet feeling, really. my last student life camp, and the last time Im with all of these people together.

I’ll post more details and pictures hopefully soon of Christmas. Oh, what an awesome night. Im going to miss these people.

Double Lives. Why do Christians think its ok to live one?

Reg. day is slow..

yes.

and someone gave me reeses…

that deserves another yes.

Why do we as Christians, think its ok to to preach one thing, and then do the exact opposite? Why do we teach the scriptures that tell us taking the Lord’s name in vain (swearing) is wrong, and then turn around and do it? Why do we teach that its wrong to hate our brother, and again, do it? I cannot help but notice it around me. Even culturally, I’ve noticed believers in the south (the bible belt) take it even more for granted their faith in Christ. I will say, for majority of America, christians live double, hypocritical lives. I am not perfect, by any means. I know I sin every day, but I certainly find offense in things like swearing, inclusiveness, hatred, and sexual immorality. These are things most of us are taught not to do, even as children. Many times, I’ve seen unbelievers do a better job than Christians. In the book of Revelation we are told not to be lukewarm, or God would rather spit us out of His mouth. God hates sin. Thats clear enough for me. I do not understand why believers think its funny, or ok to participate in sin. Believers around the world, who are truly persecuted for their faith do whatever it takes to strive for perfection, and have their goal on the cross. I think America needs some more persecution. We need to step it up. I am sick of seeing Christians dwell in sin. We are called to a higher standard. In Psalm 119, we are reminded that the reason we memorize scripture is so that we might not sin against God. Whats the point of us being redeemed and bought with a price if we continue to live in sin? Did Christ die in vain? We are called to be disciples of Christ, and we are called to strive, and endure and suffer for His name’s sake. think we too easily forget what Christ did for us. We could all us a little refresher on that, as well as as God’s wrath. We deserve hell, and God chose to redeem us, and we continually spit in His face, for a little fun at our own expense. We take advantage of the grace and mercy given to us. Let’s learn how to daily deny ourselves and take up our cross. I think we all could us a righteous slap in the face. We have perverted the gospel too long.

Ok, Soapbox done. I feel like I could say more, but I’ll stop.

My thoughts on, well alot of things. Currently thinking on this..

I am here, in the beautiful state of Colorado. I love it here. I could live here. I really could.

Really.

Today was my last “load in” with Student Life. Only 2 camps left. I know I won’t be back next year, but I am excited for my internship. I have bittersweet feelings towards my last camps. I’m tired, my energy is shot, I find myself getting frustrated easily, and irritable. I really want to give it my everything for these last two weeks. Pouring myself out to my team, will not be easy, Im even finding it hard to just do my job.

I want to finish strong. Fight against the temptation to” give up”. wow. a wave of tiredness just came over me..
ok Ill try this again later.

Walking in Obedience..letting go of my insecurities.

This verse was talked about in tonight’s sermon. This verse stood out to me the most, even though it wasn’t touched on alot. I remembered having that verse on my Theology final but never thought much about it. Do I fear man more, or the Lord? When was the last time I prayed for wisdom? I need it badly. I should be begging for wisdom. Right now, I am somewhat stuck in bind, and really need words. Part of me knows what I should do, but the other half resists it. I dread confrontations, more than anything. Is it necessary? maybe. I commanded to “live in peace with everyone as far as it depends on you” but is that possible? I suppose on my end, its supposed to be. This is hard, and I have been fighting these feelings for sometime now. Its becomming harder to shake. I want to love this person, but its getting harder. Should I let it go?

I pray for wisdom and courage in these situations. I can be such a coward. I need to do what is right. I need to love, and all I can do is try, and to love without expecting in return. Thats always a difficult task, but, I need to let go of my insicurities, and hold things loosely. I pray that I can show love to my those who hate me (my enemies), love those who curse me. I desire an open heart and open hands. Hands that are willing to serve, and to praise in all they do. Its time I stop wearing my heart on my sleeve, and let go of my sensitivity. People are people, and even christians are still sinners, myself included. I need grace and mercy just like everyone else, and its time I start extending that grace to others. I don’t want to “cop out” now. I have 20 days left with my team. I want to serve wholeheartedly, release my fears, and serve the Lord. Letting go my selfishness and remembering “Its not about me” Walk humbly with my God, act justly and love mercy. Its not a suggestion, its a must. Obedience is never easy, but it is required of me. It is costly, but I am commanded by the Holy God to do so. By not obeying, I am outright sinning against my Lord and Savior. Its only by His grace that I breathe my next breath. I should be on my knees thanking God for another day of life here on this earth every night, and doing the same each morning for waking up to a new day beginning. (That was from C.J Mahaney’s “True Humility”)

I’ve gotten off on a tangent. Preaching to myself here, but I pray for wisdom and fear of the Lord. May I view tomorrow as another oppertunity to start over, and thank God for a new day.

I am glad to be blogging again..stay tuned for the next one.. and get pumped…I know you antsy to read my next post..” American Christianity..where do we draw the line?”..